Waves

I've been back at college for 3 days and I already feel like I'm drowning. The drastic change in routine, workload and timetable has made my head feel like it's about to explode. I sit in lectures and wonder how I'm going to remember things and pass my exams. I get home so tired and cranky that I just want to sleep. 

Some days it really doesn't feel ok. I'll look at all the unpacking I still have left to do, the dishes piling up, my timetable that has changed for the fourth time, or I'll get a question wrong in class and be so embarrassed I don't want to ever answer up again. 

And then my boyfriend will cuddle me and listen to me, or make me my favourite snack, or make a joke, and it feels ok for a second. Or I'll meet up with a friend who I haven't seen since summer started. Or I'll drink a hazelnut hot chocolate even though I'm trying to have a healthier diet. Or I'll answer a question correctly in a lecture and feel a glimmer of pride.

I feel alone a lot of the time, like I'm trying to swim against the waves and there's no lifeboat to be found. I do have a supportive network of people around me which I'm thankful for, but there's only so much people can understand or help. I hate feeling like a burden so I mostly keep quiet until everything boils over and it all just comes out. 

But it's not all doom and gloom. I get up every morning, and I go to my lectures, and I try my hardest, and I do my makeup, and I try and be as affectionate as possible to my boyfriend. I try and talk to as many people as I can even if I feel like they're just being polite talking to me. I've applied for extra support in college. It's nice to know that some other people want to and are able to throw you a life jacket sometimes. 

At the moment I'm just trying to take each day as it comes, stick to taking my medication and just try to keep plodding on. Sometimes, it's like there's a glimmer of light trying to break through the surface and I can see it, I just can't grasp it yet. I found a song called Waves by Dean Lewis which I love, and I think the lyrics are so apt for how I feel right now:

"There is a light in the dark,

And I feel its warmth

In my hands, in my heart

Why can't I hold on?

It comes and goes in waves,

It always does."

So that's it. I guess I just wanted to write this to update whoever reads this blog, and to get it all out of my head and remind anyone going through depression or anxiety that it is good and okay to talk about it. We'll keep on swimming together.