Healthy For The Holidays

I thought I'd do a quick health update. I know that a few of my readers wanted me to keep them posted about my migraines, depression and anxiety, so I'll give you guys a brief overview of what's helped me and how I'm doing now. 

I'm delighted to say I'm doing so much better than I was in August, when I was first diagnosed with acute anxiety and depression. I've been on medication since then to try and make my emotions a little less like a rollercoaster. Initially, the side effects were awful and I could be laughing one minute and hysterically crying the next! Not really a great way to go back to college. After a while (and I mean a while, probably about 8 weeks or longer) things finally started to stabilise themselves and I slowly started to get better. Healing from anything mental health related is a slow process, I had days where I felt as though I was improving and then the next day even dropping a slice of toast on the floor was enough to set me off again. It's completely natural. You wouldn't expect a broken arm to heal as soon as the cast goes on so why should your mental health be any different?

While medication can help for some people - and I am a firm believer in 'if it works, stick with it' - I think feeling better is a holistic thing. As well as my tablets I tried to get up and go to college as much as I could, do the things I used to enjoy, keep in touch with friends, try and cook healthy meals and, most importantly, talk about it. I'm very fortunate to have a strong support network around me and I live with my fantastic boyfriend Laurence who is always on hand if I need a cuddle or some reassurance. 

I also had 6 sessions of counselling which I found helped along with all the other things I was doing, but I wouldn't say it was solely the counselling that made me recover. However, everyone is different so what works for me may not work for you and vice versa.

With regards to the migraines, I posted last month that I got a daith piercing (a part of cartilage in my ear) as I'd heard it can help with migraines. My migraines had gotten so bad I was getting one every week which lasted 2-3 days. They were so severe I'd collapse on my way to the toilet and couldn't stop throwing up. Glamorous, eh? I've also gone on beta blockers since then which are a commonly prescribed migraine preventative treatment. I don't know if it's the piercing, the beta blockers or a combination of both, but I haven't had a migraine in 3 weeks now, which for me is incredible. I honestly feel like my life has changed. I was taking so much time off from college due to my migraines and now I feel as though they're not impeding on my life anymore. So if any of you reading this suffer from migraines, it may be worthwhile to try the piercing and the beta blockers - they definitely helped me.

To conclude, I'm so much happier and healthier than I was a few months ago. I am a bit worried I'll have a relapse of sorts and fall down again, but as my counselor said: "You're going to have bad days again. That's life. But I don't think we ever quite go back to where we were, no matter how bad it gets."

If you need to talk to someone here are a few useful numbers:

Samaritans 116 123

Aware 1800 80 48 48

Pieta House 01 623 5606

Or don't hesitate to send me an e-mail.

Useful books for depression/anxiety:

"Owning It: Your Bullsh*t-Free Guide to Living with Anxiety" by Caroline Foran

"Shoot the Damn Dog" by Sally Brampton

"The Happiness Trap" by Russ Harris

Waves

I've been back at college for 3 days and I already feel like I'm drowning. The drastic change in routine, workload and timetable has made my head feel like it's about to explode. I sit in lectures and wonder how I'm going to remember things and pass my exams. I get home so tired and cranky that I just want to sleep. 

Some days it really doesn't feel ok. I'll look at all the unpacking I still have left to do, the dishes piling up, my timetable that has changed for the fourth time, or I'll get a question wrong in class and be so embarrassed I don't want to ever answer up again. 

And then my boyfriend will cuddle me and listen to me, or make me my favourite snack, or make a joke, and it feels ok for a second. Or I'll meet up with a friend who I haven't seen since summer started. Or I'll drink a hazelnut hot chocolate even though I'm trying to have a healthier diet. Or I'll answer a question correctly in a lecture and feel a glimmer of pride.

I feel alone a lot of the time, like I'm trying to swim against the waves and there's no lifeboat to be found. I do have a supportive network of people around me which I'm thankful for, but there's only so much people can understand or help. I hate feeling like a burden so I mostly keep quiet until everything boils over and it all just comes out. 

But it's not all doom and gloom. I get up every morning, and I go to my lectures, and I try my hardest, and I do my makeup, and I try and be as affectionate as possible to my boyfriend. I try and talk to as many people as I can even if I feel like they're just being polite talking to me. I've applied for extra support in college. It's nice to know that some other people want to and are able to throw you a life jacket sometimes. 

At the moment I'm just trying to take each day as it comes, stick to taking my medication and just try to keep plodding on. Sometimes, it's like there's a glimmer of light trying to break through the surface and I can see it, I just can't grasp it yet. I found a song called Waves by Dean Lewis which I love, and I think the lyrics are so apt for how I feel right now:

"There is a light in the dark,

And I feel its warmth

In my hands, in my heart

Why can't I hold on?

It comes and goes in waves,

It always does."

So that's it. I guess I just wanted to write this to update whoever reads this blog, and to get it all out of my head and remind anyone going through depression or anxiety that it is good and okay to talk about it. We'll keep on swimming together.

It's The Little Things

A few years ago I was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder (GAD). I went to a couple of sessions of CBT which helped to alleviate some of the more specific anxious issues, but the anxiety still lurked somewhere in the deepest recesses of my brain, like a cat waiting to pounce. I'm fortunate to be able to manage mine somewhat, and panic attacks are a rare occurance. But there are still times I long for the nuisance of being anxious to just disappear. 

I know what my triggers are by now. For example, walking into Penneys at any time it may be possibly a bit busy is like an anxiety warzone. Screaming babies, people rushing towards you with buggies and baskets wielding hangers that look like they could poke your eyes out, nearly getting shanked for a Chip cup - I could go on. Often I walk in there with something specific I need to buy and walk back out with something I don't need or want like blonde extensions despite the fact I'm brunette (ok, maybe that's an exaggeration), just because it's like the Krypton Factor in there and I want out. I sometimes wish I could go shopping wearing full-on battle gear, or in a Zorbing bubble, wearing noise cancelling headphones playing soothing dolphin sounds. Ahhh.

The other day I had to pop into the bank to set up online banking, because for some reason you can't set up online banking online (that would make far too much sense) so you have to face your fears and either call them or talk to a human, or suck it up and get major fear not knowing what's in your account. So I opted for the human. I was assisted by a friendly staff member who brought me over to a chair with a computer in front. How civilised, I thought. Until she picked up the phone, babbled a few numbers into it, and then brandished the phone at me. I stared at it like it was a nuclear weapon before tentatively taking it and gearing myself up - I didn't study! Why does anxiety make us panic while talking over the phone? Calling the takeaway is one thing but if I have to ring about something more important I feel like if I answer one question wrong the Financial Authority of Ireland will be on to me. 

It's the exact same thing having to book an appointment for the doctor or dentist. I work myself up about it so much that I put it off, then get more anxious about the fact I've put it off, so I put it off some more. It's a vicious cycle. If everything was online or could be done under anaesthetic it would be lifechanging. Alas, the world does not work that way. I'm beginning to realise the only way to beat this is to take each day as it comes. It's not easy, and some days I'm more anxious than usual - yesterday, for example, I forgot to bring my makeup with me as I usually do it in the car, so I  had to walk around town with practically no eyebrows and no winged eyeliner, and I felt more vulnerable than ever. 

I'm still trying to come up with simple ways of feeling less anxious, but I know it's an ongoing battle. Lately, I think there's a lot to be said for looking good and feeling good. A nice outfit, a good hair day and wearing your favourite perfume can do wonders for my confidence. It sounds silly but hey, if a cat eye and some killer shoes help you get through the day - what's the harm? After all, we're all just trying to get by.

If you've had experiences with anxiety and have any tips to manage it, I'd love to hear them! Thanks for reading.

Beat The Winter Blues

Winter is not my thing.

 I feel like I'm the only person nowadays who isn't into the autumn/winter months. Everywhere you go you're blinded with autumnal colours, pumpkin spice everything, and - dare I say it - Christmas paraphernalia. Don't get me wrong, I do love Christmas, but not the cold, dark nights it brings, and how they make me feel.

Until recently I suffered from SAD - Seasonal Affectiveness Disorder - so bad I'd dread winter. As soon as the clocks went back, and even before then, hibernating and curling up in a ball under my duvet seemed so tempting. Thankfully this isn't the case as much any more - probably because of the fact I now have a wonderful boyfriend to keep me warm in these cold winter months.

With that being said, winter still does affect me, and I'm noticing it in dribs and drabs lately. Like the fact it starts getting dark at around 4 p.m. now. Or the walk to college in the morning when all I think about is whether or not it's acceptable to wear a dressing gown outside. And when I open my wardrobe to see all my lovely but totally not winter-appropriate clothes, but not really having the budget to revamp my wardrobe to be a bit more cold weather friendly.

I think what set this blog post into motion was the fact Laurence and I came back up to Athlone last night after spending the week with our families, and the contrast in temperature of our houses was phenomenal. Our student accommodation has never been cold by any means, but last night I couldn't feel my nose in the bedroom, and we had to succumb to the wall heaters for the first time since moving in. Our electricity meter was practically screaming this morning!

This year, instead of letting SAD affect me, I've decided I'm going to tackle it head on. I won't let winter beat me this year, I'm going full on Gloria Gaynor - I will survive, dammit. So I've compiled a list of a few steps I - and anyone else who reads this blog and feels like it may help them - can take to make these next few months a little bit easier.

1. Get out there. Please don't click out of this blog just yet!

I know myself that exercising when it's cold outside is the last thing anyone wants to do, unless you're one of the Happy Pear guys (respect to them). I have the option of watching Netflix in my Bambi dressing gown whilst eating pizza, why wouldn't I just do that?! 

Recently my body has been crying out for exercise, and begrudgingly I can say a brisk walk outside does wonders. It doesn't have to be far - it can be as simple as walking down to the shop, or around your estate, or walking your dog - but it does help to clear your mind and appreciate the beauty of winter: crisp, brightly coloured leaves, festive cups in Costa, winter fashion, dogs wearing little padded jackets to keep them warm... it's not all bad. 

If you can't get outside, why not try a home workout? You don't have to go full on Dwayne Johnson but even just by doing some sit-ups it can help clear the cobwebs, and as a bonus you might burn off some of the calories from all those pre-Christmas chocolates. Sure, someone has to taste test them before distributing them as gifts. *cough*

2. Treat yo'self. 

Even if it's something small. Yesterday my mum and I stopped off in Lena's Tea Room in Carrick-On-Shannon for a bit of cake and a warming drink. It's absolutely gorgeous there, so cosy and pretty, and the coffee and cake is just delicious. Now that I've found I can eat dairy again I chose a brownie and a mocha, while mum went for tea and seasonal fruit cake. It was such a lovely treat and really broke the day up. If you ever find yourself passing by Carrick-On-Shannon, do stop off in Lena's.

If you have the funds to have a full on blow-out and do a spa day, dinner, wine and a shopping spree, go ahead. If, like me, you're feeling the pinch in the run up to Christmas, why not save up for something nice? Laurence and I found a lovely jar my mum got me and decided every week we'd each put a bit of money into it. The jar sits on our coffee table so that we can't pretend it's not there, and whenever one of us has some loose change - it doesn't have to be much, we just put coins in - it goes into the jar. Over time it builds and builds and eventually you'll have enough to buy yourself a little treat. We've decided to use the money for our Christmas shop, and any left over we'll use to get ourselves something small. You deserve it.

3. Get creative.

Now that I have my own living space I've found myself very excited for seasonal holidays, partly because it's nice to make the place look pretty, and also because I kind of want to put up the Christmas decorations in mid-November. Oops.

You can get creative in any way that inspires you and lifts your spirits. It doesn't have to be putting up tinsel and plastic Santas nearly 2 months too early; you could make your own winter-y decorations, put some fairy lights in your room, or even get a nice throw to put on the sofa. Penneys have some lovely soft throws and some are as cheap as €5 - that's a lot cheaper than putting the heaters on all day! 

If you're more into kitchen creativity like I am, make the most of some of the gorgeous food that's perfect for this time of year. Now that Halloween is over many places have pumpkins for very cheap, so I've been enjoying making pumpkin pie, soup and even pumpkin curry. Hearty, warming comfort food such as stews, curries and roasts are also great options, not to mention the drinks - mulled wine, hot chocolate and seasonal coffee drinks. Mmm.

4. Talk.

If you do feel like you might have SAD, or are feeling a bit down in general, talk to someone. Your doctor might be able to help. Alternatively, talking to a friend or family member can really lift your spirits, and you never know who might also be suffering in silence! There's a massive stigma in this country around mental health, but that's changing. It's ok to have a bad day, or week, or even month. I'm going to end this blog post now, because I'm starting to sound like the Friends theme tune.

Hope you enjoyed this post and it was helpful in some way - and remember, to quote Albus Dumbledore: "Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light."