Life: Am I Doing It Right?

Hello, blog. I know it's been a while since I've posted, but I've been going through a pretty tough time with mental health related struggles, hence my radio silence lately. I'm not ashamed, there's too much stigma in this country. Going through this has shown me it is really ok not to be ok and the people who really matter will really care. 

It's early days yet, 2 weeks to be exact. Some days I feel like I'm actually drowning in emotion and tiredness. Other days I feel ok, and making the bed is a huge breakthrough. The human brain is a strange thing - how can we so quickly go from being fine, happy and content to just an explosion of worry, sadness and confusion?

According to the doctor it seems as though I'm just experiencing a period of extreme anxiety, but it seems as though depression is creeping in - unsurprising considering it is the summer time, I'm missing my boyfriend and as a creature of habit, not having a routine kills me. It's a vicious cycle that results in me withdrawing into myself and just lying in bed for days on end, too exhausted to even think about getting up or eating or doing anything. 

Sometimes I reach a point in the month/year/week where I just feel like I have too many thoughts going on in my head and I need to just dump them all out somewhere. And that's why I have this blog. Maybe not many people read it, maybe I'll never be on TV talking about my latest product (no cattiness there, I say fair play!) - but this helps me, and if it helps one other person, I think it's worth it. If nothing else, at least it gives me something to do other than Google 'what if xyz' all day and eating caramel Buttons in bed.

I'm beginning to think part of what's happened is a mere existential crisis. I'm going into my second year of college which is kind of scary because I can choose to finish this year and go out into the big bad world, or complete the third year add-on of my course.  I'm out of my routine, I have more alone time than ever, I'm adjusting to seeing Laurence once or twice a week and I have far too much time on my hands that enables me to come up with irrational worries and wonder if I'm actually a loser and everyone else is 'doing' life much better than I am.

Then I remind myself; social media is a snapshot into people's lives. Of course they're not going to document when their face is covered in spots for no reason, they have €0.89 in their bank account, they've watched so much Netflix they practically own shares in it and they've worn the same pyjama bottoms for 5 days now. 

I'm so fortunate to have an extremely supportive family, a partner who is just incredible and whom I feel too lucky to have in my life, and friends who understand that my distance doesn't mean I don't care. If it weren't for my support network I honestly don't know what I'd do.

I don't like uncertainty. Maybe it's because I'm a Virgo or maybe it's the simple fact no one really likes uncertainty, but some people are better at accepting it than others. I get nervous if I haven't got a plan for tomorrow, if I haven't set my clothes out and have my bag all packed in advance. Some may see it as an annoying character trait, I see it as a quirk that saves time and is practical. But I've let it get to a stage where my fear of uncertainty is holding me back, and making me obsessively question things, distorting my perception of how good things in my life really are.

So things have to change. I don't know how - whether it be medication, counselling, growing as a person (which is one of my main goals and I'm totally clueless as to how to do that but sure we'll see) - I can't live my best life feeling frightened all the time and I don't want to self-sabotage any more. Maybe I'll go back to college and have a breakdown (I'm still on the waiting list for any form of therapy, of course, this is Ireland) but if nothing else, I'll chalk it up to a learning experience.

Thanks for reading as always, if you made it this far - if you have had experiences with anxiety or mental health issues please don't be afraid to talk and reach out!

It's The Little Things

A few years ago I was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder (GAD). I went to a couple of sessions of CBT which helped to alleviate some of the more specific anxious issues, but the anxiety still lurked somewhere in the deepest recesses of my brain, like a cat waiting to pounce. I'm fortunate to be able to manage mine somewhat, and panic attacks are a rare occurance. But there are still times I long for the nuisance of being anxious to just disappear. 

I know what my triggers are by now. For example, walking into Penneys at any time it may be possibly a bit busy is like an anxiety warzone. Screaming babies, people rushing towards you with buggies and baskets wielding hangers that look like they could poke your eyes out, nearly getting shanked for a Chip cup - I could go on. Often I walk in there with something specific I need to buy and walk back out with something I don't need or want like blonde extensions despite the fact I'm brunette (ok, maybe that's an exaggeration), just because it's like the Krypton Factor in there and I want out. I sometimes wish I could go shopping wearing full-on battle gear, or in a Zorbing bubble, wearing noise cancelling headphones playing soothing dolphin sounds. Ahhh.

The other day I had to pop into the bank to set up online banking, because for some reason you can't set up online banking online (that would make far too much sense) so you have to face your fears and either call them or talk to a human, or suck it up and get major fear not knowing what's in your account. So I opted for the human. I was assisted by a friendly staff member who brought me over to a chair with a computer in front. How civilised, I thought. Until she picked up the phone, babbled a few numbers into it, and then brandished the phone at me. I stared at it like it was a nuclear weapon before tentatively taking it and gearing myself up - I didn't study! Why does anxiety make us panic while talking over the phone? Calling the takeaway is one thing but if I have to ring about something more important I feel like if I answer one question wrong the Financial Authority of Ireland will be on to me. 

It's the exact same thing having to book an appointment for the doctor or dentist. I work myself up about it so much that I put it off, then get more anxious about the fact I've put it off, so I put it off some more. It's a vicious cycle. If everything was online or could be done under anaesthetic it would be lifechanging. Alas, the world does not work that way. I'm beginning to realise the only way to beat this is to take each day as it comes. It's not easy, and some days I'm more anxious than usual - yesterday, for example, I forgot to bring my makeup with me as I usually do it in the car, so I  had to walk around town with practically no eyebrows and no winged eyeliner, and I felt more vulnerable than ever. 

I'm still trying to come up with simple ways of feeling less anxious, but I know it's an ongoing battle. Lately, I think there's a lot to be said for looking good and feeling good. A nice outfit, a good hair day and wearing your favourite perfume can do wonders for my confidence. It sounds silly but hey, if a cat eye and some killer shoes help you get through the day - what's the harm? After all, we're all just trying to get by.

If you've had experiences with anxiety and have any tips to manage it, I'd love to hear them! Thanks for reading.

Little Things: How To De-stress

I'm writing this at 2:30 a.m. after copious cups of coffee and 4 movies whilst waiting for my beau to return from the pub, because I am a chronic worrier and I can't sleep. Quite ironic when you consider the title of this blog.

Anyway, lately I've been thinking about being more ~mindful and learning how to manage my own stress. Exam season is approaching rapidly (too rapidly for my liking) so I think it's a good time to start finding ways to de-stress. I'm probably one of the most stressy people I know in the way that everything worries/stresses me out. But I'm trying to change that, even if it's just a little.

Earlier I stood on the balcony - which sounds fancy, but would be a lot fancier if it wasn't facing the apartment complex bins which are surrounded by stolen Lidl trolleys - and just watched the world go by, and it struck me how rarely I just stop. I'm always running around tidying or on my phone or cooking or in college, and it's not good for stress. So, without further ado, here are just a few tips on how to make your daily life just a bit more chill.

Do 1 different thing every week - and do it for you

During the week I went to the cinema with a friend, and I realised how little I actually do things like that. I've become a creature of habit since starting college, and I've noticed myself just coming home and doing the same things day in, day out. I didn't realise how therapeutic a break in the routine could be until I finally did it. It doesn't have to be the cinema with a friend - it could be buying yourself a nice top you've been eyeing up, getting your nails done (or doing them yourself and having a pamper night at home), or going to a café you've always wanted to try. I find by just taking some time out from my usual day really peps me up. 

Keep a stress or anxiety diary

I'm no stranger to anxiety, having had it before myself and receiving CBT to combat it. I still suffer from anxiety sometimes - often in the quietest moments like when I'm washing up or trying to fall asleep. It can be a pain, but recently I read about anxiety diaries and how to make one. I chose a pretty notebook, wrote down everything I was anxious about, and what I could do (or was doing) to change it. After a few times using the diary I noticed a significant difference in how my brain handled negative thoughts. I suppose it's kind of like CBT in the way it trains your brain to think about situations differently. Either way, for me it's extremely helpful to have a vessel to cast my thoughts upon, and whenever I'm worried I open it and see all the positive things I'm doing to change my mindset. 

Try mindfulness

I know, it seems like 'mindfulness' is some kind of buzzwords people are using lately, but there's a lot to be said for it. Even something small like a mindful breathing exercise (try this website) can help. Sometimes when I'm trying to fall asleep and my brain won't shut up, I just try and focus on each breath and suddenly I'm asleep. I've heard that yoga is also good for mindfulness but I'm about as flexible as a wooden plank so that's something I'll have to build up to.

One step at a time

If you have a lot to do and no idea where to begin, try bullet journaling - basically, write down everything you need to do and use symbols to prioritise them - what needs to be done today and what can wait? This can help you delegate your tasks and ease the load a little bit. I also like a method called the Pomodoro technique which is where you do a specific task - for example, tidying or studying - for 25 minutes and then stop for a break, then do another 25 minute burst. It really does make you get things done and it doesn't feel so arduous when it's only 25 minutes.

Listen

Music, whale sounds, those weird cooking videos where they emphasise the noises (they make me feel sick but some people love them) - whatever floats your audiological boat. I'd probably be sitting in bed listening out for every tiny little noise if I weren't playing music right now. My neighbours probably love me. Try and play happy music or mellow music instead of heavy metal or sad songs - unless that does de-stress you, in which case blast it! I like the Spotify 'chill' playlists so that I don't have to scramble to find a new song whenever my current one ends. 

So those are just a few tips on how to wind down when you feel overwhelmed - I hope this helped some of you out and hang in there.

Something To Smile About: Festive Edition

Ahh, Christmas. A time of happiness, love and seriously worrying about whether or not your favourite trousers will still fit you by the time St. Stephen's Day rolls around. This is my first year not living at home for Christmas, but I've come back to stay for a week or so and spend time with my beloved family - who have just moved into a new house which is the best Christmas present ever. Apart from me coming home with all my washing, obv. ;-)

Seeing as there are a lot of happy moments to be had at Christmas, I thought I'd do a quick blog post about the things this week that've made me feel all warm and cozy inside.

1. Driving home for Christmas (I sound like Chris Rea) with Laurence and being so excited to see all my family. Ringing the doorbell of the new cozy house and being reunited was such a lovely feeling.

2. Mine and Laurence's first Christmas whilst living together. We put on Christmas music, wrapped our presents, had a bottle of wine and danced around the kitchen while preparing our pre-Christmas dinner, and finished the night by watching Elf. What could be more Christmassy?

3. Lunch and a gossip with my mum. We headed to the Gourmet Parlour in Collooney (which I've never been to) and I was over the moon to see they had loads of vegetarian options, and they all sounded amazing! I went for a good old jacket potato with cheese, and my mum got a spinach and mushroom pie. The food was gorgeous, especially the Asian noodle salad served with the pie which I just have to know how to make. Drool.

After our catch up we collected the gateaux and cupcakes mum won from Mc G's Cakes. They are absolutely beautifully made and taste as good as they look!

4. Finally getting my Christmas shopping finished. Laurence and I headed into Athlone town centre to tackle the shops on Thursday. We started bright and early with a McDonald's breakfast (sometimes it has to be done), and I mentally put on my warpaint to brave the crowds. When we initially went into Golden Island shopping centre it was surprisingly quiet, but it only got worse as the day progressed. I ended up almost having a nervous breakdown in the middle of Argos because a) it was like the zombie apocalypse with people everywhere, and b) both of my present ideas for Laurence ended up being sold out so I had to resort to something less exciting. I also spent about an hour in Penneys and got myself a few nice bits - because if you can't treat yo'self at Christmas when can you?

In the middle of dashing around trying to get gifts for everyone I started getting extremely overheated. I was wearing a top that was bodysuit style so it had poppers on the, erm, lower area. Now apparently when I was born I had a very long torso which means bodysuits are pretty much impossible to wear. I had to do a sort of contortionist/gymnast move to try and do the damn thing up, and when I finally did I got out of the car and it popped open, meaning I spent my entire shopping trip with this stupid bodysuit top wedged up my arse. That's pretty much my life in a nutshell.

Anyway, I ended up feeling so faint Laurence brought me over to the fridge section of Tesco (romantic) and told me to "pretend to reach for a hummus" so I could put my hands on something cold. We eventually made our escape and headed to Insomnia for a nice relaxing drink, and breathed a sigh of relief.

5. It's Christmas! What else can I say?!

Feel free to let me know what made you smile this week - I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and a healthy, prosperous New Year. 

Something To Smile About: Trump Day Edition

Credit to my mum for the very clever hump day/Trump day witticism. It's time for another weekly 'things that made me smile' blog post. This one wasn't as easy to write as last week's one was because it's been quite a long stressful week. After coming back from a relaxing week off, college assignments and revision have taken over seeing as we only have 4 weeks until our Christmas exams. Eeek. Let's not even mention the recent American presidential election result.

Having said that, there were a few key moments this week that put a grin on my face. Without further ado: 

1. Standing on the balcony looking over the estate at the back of our apartment and seeing two dogs walking up the road together, side by side, and then both running into a garden as if they were best friends for life.

2. The fact we only have two Christmas exams and are finished on December 15th. Score.

3. Becoming Class Rep for my course, alongside my friend Oliwia. 

4. This week's free food finds from AIT's Student Union: lemongrass, courgettes, coleslaw, a lovely seedy loaf of bread, and some Tesco Finest stuffing.

5. Looking up at the stars with my boyfriend and having a deep conversation about life, the universe and everything in between.

6. Making a last minute decision to go to Lidl last night - and finding a wet, dirty €20 note on the ground outside.

7. Realising there are some genuinely really nice people out there who do care when you complain about stuff. Faith in humanity restored.

So there's just a few happy moments from my week - did anything happen to you this week that cheered you up? Let me know, and remember, keep smiling. :-)