Hello, blog. I know it's been a while since I've posted, but I've been going through a pretty tough time with mental health related struggles, hence my radio silence lately. I'm not ashamed, there's too much stigma in this country. Going through this has shown me it is really ok not to be ok and the people who really matter will really care.
It's early days yet, 2 weeks to be exact. Some days I feel like I'm actually drowning in emotion and tiredness. Other days I feel ok, and making the bed is a huge breakthrough. The human brain is a strange thing - how can we so quickly go from being fine, happy and content to just an explosion of worry, sadness and confusion?
According to the doctor it seems as though I'm just experiencing a period of extreme anxiety, but it seems as though depression is creeping in - unsurprising considering it is the summer time, I'm missing my boyfriend and as a creature of habit, not having a routine kills me. It's a vicious cycle that results in me withdrawing into myself and just lying in bed for days on end, too exhausted to even think about getting up or eating or doing anything.
Sometimes I reach a point in the month/year/week where I just feel like I have too many thoughts going on in my head and I need to just dump them all out somewhere. And that's why I have this blog. Maybe not many people read it, maybe I'll never be on TV talking about my latest product (no cattiness there, I say fair play!) - but this helps me, and if it helps one other person, I think it's worth it. If nothing else, at least it gives me something to do other than Google 'what if xyz' all day and eating caramel Buttons in bed.
I'm beginning to think part of what's happened is a mere existential crisis. I'm going into my second year of college which is kind of scary because I can choose to finish this year and go out into the big bad world, or complete the third year add-on of my course. I'm out of my routine, I have more alone time than ever, I'm adjusting to seeing Laurence once or twice a week and I have far too much time on my hands that enables me to come up with irrational worries and wonder if I'm actually a loser and everyone else is 'doing' life much better than I am.
Then I remind myself; social media is a snapshot into people's lives. Of course they're not going to document when their face is covered in spots for no reason, they have €0.89 in their bank account, they've watched so much Netflix they practically own shares in it and they've worn the same pyjama bottoms for 5 days now.
I'm so fortunate to have an extremely supportive family, a partner who is just incredible and whom I feel too lucky to have in my life, and friends who understand that my distance doesn't mean I don't care. If it weren't for my support network I honestly don't know what I'd do.
I don't like uncertainty. Maybe it's because I'm a Virgo or maybe it's the simple fact no one really likes uncertainty, but some people are better at accepting it than others. I get nervous if I haven't got a plan for tomorrow, if I haven't set my clothes out and have my bag all packed in advance. Some may see it as an annoying character trait, I see it as a quirk that saves time and is practical. But I've let it get to a stage where my fear of uncertainty is holding me back, and making me obsessively question things, distorting my perception of how good things in my life really are.
So things have to change. I don't know how - whether it be medication, counselling, growing as a person (which is one of my main goals and I'm totally clueless as to how to do that but sure we'll see) - I can't live my best life feeling frightened all the time and I don't want to self-sabotage any more. Maybe I'll go back to college and have a breakdown (I'm still on the waiting list for any form of therapy, of course, this is Ireland) but if nothing else, I'll chalk it up to a learning experience.
Thanks for reading as always, if you made it this far - if you have had experiences with anxiety or mental health issues please don't be afraid to talk and reach out!
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