Life: Am I Doing It Right?

Hello, blog. I know it's been a while since I've posted, but I've been going through a pretty tough time with mental health related struggles, hence my radio silence lately. I'm not ashamed, there's too much stigma in this country. Going through this has shown me it is really ok not to be ok and the people who really matter will really care. 

It's early days yet, 2 weeks to be exact. Some days I feel like I'm actually drowning in emotion and tiredness. Other days I feel ok, and making the bed is a huge breakthrough. The human brain is a strange thing - how can we so quickly go from being fine, happy and content to just an explosion of worry, sadness and confusion?

According to the doctor it seems as though I'm just experiencing a period of extreme anxiety, but it seems as though depression is creeping in - unsurprising considering it is the summer time, I'm missing my boyfriend and as a creature of habit, not having a routine kills me. It's a vicious cycle that results in me withdrawing into myself and just lying in bed for days on end, too exhausted to even think about getting up or eating or doing anything. 

Sometimes I reach a point in the month/year/week where I just feel like I have too many thoughts going on in my head and I need to just dump them all out somewhere. And that's why I have this blog. Maybe not many people read it, maybe I'll never be on TV talking about my latest product (no cattiness there, I say fair play!) - but this helps me, and if it helps one other person, I think it's worth it. If nothing else, at least it gives me something to do other than Google 'what if xyz' all day and eating caramel Buttons in bed.

I'm beginning to think part of what's happened is a mere existential crisis. I'm going into my second year of college which is kind of scary because I can choose to finish this year and go out into the big bad world, or complete the third year add-on of my course.  I'm out of my routine, I have more alone time than ever, I'm adjusting to seeing Laurence once or twice a week and I have far too much time on my hands that enables me to come up with irrational worries and wonder if I'm actually a loser and everyone else is 'doing' life much better than I am.

Then I remind myself; social media is a snapshot into people's lives. Of course they're not going to document when their face is covered in spots for no reason, they have €0.89 in their bank account, they've watched so much Netflix they practically own shares in it and they've worn the same pyjama bottoms for 5 days now. 

I'm so fortunate to have an extremely supportive family, a partner who is just incredible and whom I feel too lucky to have in my life, and friends who understand that my distance doesn't mean I don't care. If it weren't for my support network I honestly don't know what I'd do.

I don't like uncertainty. Maybe it's because I'm a Virgo or maybe it's the simple fact no one really likes uncertainty, but some people are better at accepting it than others. I get nervous if I haven't got a plan for tomorrow, if I haven't set my clothes out and have my bag all packed in advance. Some may see it as an annoying character trait, I see it as a quirk that saves time and is practical. But I've let it get to a stage where my fear of uncertainty is holding me back, and making me obsessively question things, distorting my perception of how good things in my life really are.

So things have to change. I don't know how - whether it be medication, counselling, growing as a person (which is one of my main goals and I'm totally clueless as to how to do that but sure we'll see) - I can't live my best life feeling frightened all the time and I don't want to self-sabotage any more. Maybe I'll go back to college and have a breakdown (I'm still on the waiting list for any form of therapy, of course, this is Ireland) but if nothing else, I'll chalk it up to a learning experience.

Thanks for reading as always, if you made it this far - if you have had experiences with anxiety or mental health issues please don't be afraid to talk and reach out!

Ch-ch-changes

Yesterday was a big day for me. I moved out for the first time, and moved in with my boyfriend.

I said goodbye to my dad and my brother the night before, and my brother started playing that Beatles song 'She's Leaving Home' which nearly set off the waterworks, but I managed to reign it in. My mum and I set off in the morning for Athlone, with our little green Hyundai Getz almost as weighed down with boxes as I am after a Chinese takeaway. We laughed and chatted the whole way there, and stopped halfway through at McDonald's for obligatory hash browns and coffee. I was half excited and half filled with dread, because for all the excitement of unpacking with my mum I knew she'd soon have to go and we'd have to say our goodbyes.

My mum was such a fantastic help through the whole moving process, I dunno what we would've done without her. I'd have probably ended up moving in with just a toothbrush and a pillow! I managed to sneak nearly everything I wanted to bring in the car. It was like car Tetris trying to get everything to fit, but we did it (well, I say we, really it was my mum).

The next big hurdle was trying to get everything from two cars (ours and Laurence's) up 4 flights of stairs. Our apartment block doesn't have a lift so there was some serious manouevering required. Thankfully Laurence asked Shane, a friend of ours (who happens to be really strong) if he would mind helping us lift some boxes and he obliged. He was a fantastic help and we had all the boxes up within a couple of hours. He even unblocked the gutters for us! The lads sat down playing a video game - typical boy, the first thing Laurence unpacked was his PS4 - while we cleaned, unpacked and then went to Mr Price and Tesco to get a few last minute bits we didn't have.

I tried to hold it together while I said goodbye to mum, but it was incredibly hard. I didn't want to start crying because I knew I'd set her off crying and it'd make it even tougher! Laurence and I waved her goodbye and then went back up to say goodbye to Shane a.k.a kick him out. Laurence left me in the apartment for a few minutes while he waved Shane off. I decided to read my mum's blog post while I had a few moments to myself. Poor Laurence walked back into the apartment to find me crying my eyes out in front of a bowl of half-eaten cold spaghetti hoops. All the emotions I'd built up had finally culminated and the floodgates were open. We had a little cuddle as I sobbed onto his shoulder and got snot and makeup and tears all over his shirt (#sexy), and then he started crying because I was crying.

Last night was such a weird night. Our first night living together. We went to Lidl to get bin bags and kitchen roll (exciting) and then made our first dinner in the new house. I lit a scented candle and we enjoyed our food with a glass of wine, making a toast to a new chapter.

I was so emotionally exhausted I didn't want to do anything else so we just snuggled up on the sofa, watched half of a shite film on Netflix (it was called Before We Go - don't watch it - Chris Evans I'm ashamed of you), and got drunk off the gorgeous bottle of wine my mum gave us as part of a fab housewarming hamper.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit homesick and I miss my family like crazy already. It's like a piece of me has been taken out and I'm wandering around trying to feel normal again. I sat at the table this morning eating my breakfast on my own as Laurence is at work, and I felt very lonely.

I'll miss talking to my mum every night before she went to sleep, sitting on her bed and having a gossip or a bitching session or just a laugh. I'll miss her coming into my room to wake me up so we could go shopping. I'll miss cooking dinner for her and dancing in the kitchen. But I know it will get easier, because hopefully my family will come to stay - we have a spare room, ooh get us - and I can sit at the table at night with them having a cup of tea and a chitchat. I can go shopping in Athlone with my mum and give her a tour of the town. And I can cook her dinner yet again, except this time in a different kitchen with a much smaller fridge and a niggling worry about how much electricity the oven uses.

Despite everything, Laurence and I are so happy we're together and already we've made this apartment feel like a home. And despite all the boxes and bags around us and checking the Pinergy electricity meter every few minutes - I could get used to this.

Great Food & Baby Goats

If you know me, or have read my blog, you'll know that eating is one of my favourite things to do. I love finding new places to have a nice meal. One place that definitely fulfills that expectation is Wild Atlantic Food in Ransboro, Sligo. Wild Atlantic Food is run by Elena, who used to have a stall in Strandhill People's Market selling yummy vegan and gluten free cakes. She recently opened up her own café so I was excited to go along and try it. Elena offers loads of options for vegans, vegetarians and meat eaters alike in her chilled out café. I love how peaceful the place is, although it is a bit out of the way it's nice to have lunch somewhere quiet and relaxing!

Elena's daughter was our waitress and she went through the menu with us. The options that day were a BLT, lentil turmeric soup, chickpea curry or a caprese foccaccia sandwich. I chose the soup and Laurence went for the foccaccia. Our food came out quickly and was so fresh and piping hot. My soup was seasoned beautifully and the portion size was great. It was served with a slab of foccaccia bread. Laurence's sandwich was filled with avocado, tomato, leaves and even vegan cheese! I couldn't believe it, I've never seen a place offer vegan cheese. The side salad was dressed with a gorgeous citrus-y balsamic drizzle and everything was so yummy. The one thing I will say is the foccaccia sandwich was a little bit small, I could've eaten two of them! However I thought the whole menu was excellent value for the quality and taste of the food. Elena herself came out to greet us and offered us an orange and ginger smoothie on the house, which was also delicious.

We didn't realise until we heard the waitress tell another customer that they did all day breakfast, so we also ordered a vegan pancake for dessert, which was absolutely wonderful. Sweet, crispy on the outside and fluffy on the inside and served with berries and maple syrup - yum. I might also add, the coffee served there is great and they even serve almond milk! I would've liked to see the breakfast menu as we didn't know what else was available for all day breakfast but that's just a minor point.

As we were eating we noticed some animals outside beside the café. We decided we'd just have to go out and pay them a visit and it turns out when you go to the side of the building there's the animal farm and a sheltered area for children's parties, which is absolutely gorgeous. I heard Elena tell a customer they did homemade pizza for kids' parties which sounds fab and such a different idea. The children can eat outside and look at all the cute animals, such a lovely idea and something different!

We spent ages talking to the baby goats, sheep, bunnies, quails, pigs and chickens. I could've stayed there all day, it was so cute! We even saw some wild rabbits hopping across the fields. I highly recommend you go and visit Wild Atlantic Food - it's not just lunch, it's an experience! Give them a visit here on Facebook.